JOKE ...since there's no place to put it....

[optimistik1]

How to tell if your feet stink...


129

[katzeyez]

*snort*

[Fish-Bait]

O.k...true story...a joke sort of , but this just happened.


a guy here (Hal) just married a girl from the phillipines. They were in the office talking about kids....a guy says to Hal, "Hal, you just got married, are you goin' to have any kids?"

Hal replies "haven't really thought about it."

guy replies "I know what you can name your first kid if you have one."

Hal replies "What."

guy replies "Jalepeno."

Hal says " Damn dude....jesus." and walks off...


My gut is still hurting...the whole office fell out...lmao...

[bpitt]

That was a good one. Did anyone spew milk/coffee out ur nose?

[Fish-Bait]

That was a good one. Did anyone spew milk/coffee out ur nose?

I almost lost my dip of snuff!

[optimistik1]

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch; they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

[katzeyez]

*giggles*

[optimistik1]

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

[bpitt]

What did one wall say to the other?
Meet you at the corner.

My 8 y.o. told me that one last night.

[bpitt]

Why did the lady throw water out the 2nd story of her house?
Cause she wanted to see a 'waterfall'.

Again, my 8 y.o. told me that one last night.

[bpitt]

The funny thing is, I thought they were funny.

[bpitt]

Kid jokes rule.

[optimistik1]

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

[bpitt]

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

And THAT sums it all up.

[katzeyez]

Bpitt, I thought your daughter's jokes were funny too! ;)

[optimistik1]

This one is for FB ;)


BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
(except for FB...he KNOWS they are lotions)

[katzeyez]

Oops! I just realized that Bpitt didn't specify the gender of his child--don't know where I got 'daughter' from--sorry.http://www.thepointofnoreturn.us/images/smilies/blush.gif

[bpitt]

I've two daughters, it's okay.

[optimistik1]

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[rollinthunder]

Two blonds were at a river....one on each side....one blond yells at the other......hey......where can I cross the river?...I wanna get on the other side....she looked up and down the river and yells back......you're already ON the other side....

[optimistik1]

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

[pooker]

There once was a blonde who had two horses but she couldn’t tell them apart, so she goes to her friend and says,”I have two horses and I just can’t tell them apart.”

The friend suggest that she cut off one’s mane, so the blonde did, but the mane grew back. She goes to her friend and the friend suggest she cut off one of the horses’ tail. The blonde did but the tail grew back too fast. So she finally says to her friend, “I’ve tried all of your suggestions but it just doesn’t work.”

The friend suggests one more thing that she measure them. The blonde went home, got a ruler measured them and went to her friend the next morning, and the blonde tells her friend,”Oh, thank you I can tell them apart!” “How?” asked the friend, and the blonde tells her,”The black horse is taller than the white horse.”

[optimistik1]

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

[optimistik1]

Thoughts.....


Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

[optimistik1]

Installing a Husband


Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NASCAR 6.0,
NFL 5.1 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download
Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will
download the Belching and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and
Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

[katzeyez]

http://www.thepointofnoreturn.us/images/smilies/rotfl.gif Husband 1.0 kind of sounds like Vista!http://www.thepointofnoreturn.us/images/smilies/unsure.gif

[CRawls]

Maybe that is the language I need to speak to my husband in. LOL I do love him.

[katzeyez]

http://www.thepointofnoreturn.us/images/smilies/rotfl.gif

[rollinthunder]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were off fishin as usual. Boudreaux's wife decided to walk over to visit Thibodeaux's wife. While they were chat'n... the water in the bayou started to rise so they went in the house...it kept rise'n so they ended up on the roof. While they were sit'n there chat'n...Thibodeaux'x wile looked over in Boudreaux's yard and she saw somethin float'n and she said...What's dat over in your yard float'n. This ting would float one way then back the other. Boudreaux's wife says...oh...that's Boudreaux's hat. Thibodeaux's wife says....his hat?...what's his hat doin float'n up and back like that? Boudreaux's wife says...cause I tole him he better get dat crass mowed come hell or high wadda.

[katzeyez]

http://www.thepointofnoreturn.us/images/smilies/rotfl.gif

[optimistik1]

The Ballad of Henry Lee - by Al King

Henry Lee was driving hard, down a lonely country road.
His head was working overtime on an extra heavy load.
The wind outside his pickup truck was whipping up a storm.
The lightning shot big thunderbolts at every moving form.
Then all at once he felt a funny grabbing from the rear.
It happened several times, forced him into lower gear.
The lightning made the sky like day, just enough for him
To see a terrifying sight before the night went dim.

A kudzu patch had gotten loose and headed 'cross the road
In search of something else to climb before it all got mowed.
It curled around a crosstie he was hauling in the back,
Then got inside the cab with him by crawling through a crack!

The creeping thing came at him as he shoved her into low,
And gave her all the gas he could to make that pickup go.
But nothing has a chance against a kudzu patch gone wild.
It grabbed his bumpers, front and back, and then got really riled!
They found him in November, after Jack Frost had made his call.
The kudzu leaves had withered as they do late in the fall.
And all made speculation as to what had caused his death -
A heart attack, or liquor, which was sometimes on his breath.
But no one could have guessed the truth because they didn't see
The kudzu patch that crossed the road and lassoed Henry Lee!

[optimistik1]

Stickman Theater proudly presents...

a new featured short film


http://img174.imageshack.us/img174/8306/gifanpryd4.gif

[optimistik1]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her last checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.

You gotta love Grandmas!